28 years ago tomorrow, my Sportchop, the most handsome man on the planet, entered this beautifully complicated world at 4:32 in the afternoon. That particular winter brought a barrage of ice storms, and my parents’ Thursday arrival from Florida turned into a Saturday arrival. I’ve written this before, but I think I took one look at them and went into labor. Calling my obstetrician in the middle of the night on the 9th, I gently and warmly asked if I’d meet my little guy that day. Dr. Milano was so tenderhearted in his response of, “Kiddo, do you want it to be today?” that I don’t think he was expecting the 12 impassioned yeses he heard. I told him that it was my birthday, and Zachary Daniel Jaffe would be the best present for which a mama could hope.

God, was that boy delicious! At 8 pounds and 3 ounces, he was the biggest of my three, by far. People would ask me if I was okay with him being born on my birthday, and I told them there could never be anything more moving and gratifying. When I questioned them on what they meant, they asked if I worried that when I died, Zack would have a forever hole in his heart and not be able to revel in his birthday. Noting the coldness and unnecessary insensitivity of the question, my typical reply was, “I’m not planning on going anywhere for quite a while, and, when that time comes, way in the future, I hope that he will rejoice in the memories of all of the birthdays we did get to share together.”

Well, you all know the rest of the story. I only got to share 21 birthdays with my baby, as he predictably, yet suddenly, left me a few months after he turned 21. Nobody died, thank Goodness, and this blog entry is not to rehash the pain and the mystery behind my paralyzing loss. It’s not to trash anybody and share my truth, but merely to share a texting exchange that occurred this morning between me and a colleague of mine. One never knows who one’s Buddha will be, but today, on a day when, as my mother used to say, “I’m not in a very good place, ” Ms. J. K. was my Buddha.

The conversation started off with her inquiring about how I was feeling, as I was diagnosed with COVID eight days ago:

Hey Dearest …

Thinking of you …

Hoping on this sunny day … you are feeling more like your sunny self …

And …

Taking good care of yourself …

My response was:

Oh, most gracious lady, thank you for your note.

I am struggling so. Physically, I’m certainly on the mend, and I will be back to my old self for my Tuesday arrival back at Valleyview. Emotionally, I’m just very sad.

Tomorrow is my 56th birthday. 28 years ago, on my birthday, so exactly half of my life ago, my son, the most handsome man on the planet, arrived. I don’t think I need to say much more, other than I love you.

She then wrote this to me:

Oh dearest …

You know I am now and will be holding this in my heart with sooo soooo soooo much Light and Faith …

The most mysterious path of the universe … of us learning lessons, healing and growing through this pain …

Patience and Hope Marla …

Your beautiful children and you….

I see your story …you are in a middle chapter of it….

Going from caterpillar to butterfly….

Inching your way to the family and relations that your heart really has asked for all this time….

You are in the weeds.

This moment is in the weeds.

In the midst of the hard work EARNING….the form of LOVE your heart has its sights on and has since the beginning.

CLEARING OLD PATTERNS 

The GRACIOUSNESS you are developing in new forms.

ROOT DOWN ….

Take this time to make gratitude for the strides you have been making.

Energetically.

CELEBRATE YOUR GROWTH.

Decorate yourself with a knowing smile of KNOWING WHERE THIS IS GOING.

SEE YOUR GRACIOUS REUNION COMING.

WRITE IT OUT.

That beautiful vision of the reunion in your future.

The ways you have changed and how you want to hold onto them ….

How you want to be different, treated differently, experience Love differently in the presence of your family.

Less anxiousness.

Spaciousness.

And KNOWINGLY spend time with these images with JOY.

See a glimmer of it and MAGNIFY IT.

Noooo reason to talk it away.

All the POSSIBILITY.

Tell the universe that you are willing to go through this to be transformed for the LIFE YOU CRAVE.

And call in energy of great souls who persevered with love.

Tibetan monks in captivity by the Chinese. Nelson Mandela in his long jail cell.

Their holding to truth is yours.

You ARE AS GREAT AS THEY!

Their miracles are YOUR MIRACLES.

You have one of THE MOST TENDER HEARTS I have EVER KNOWN…

May God bless and keep my son, Zack, healthy and happy as he celebrates his 28th birthday tomorrow, and may God bless Ms. J.K. for her love and her light.