Zachary left me four years ago today, and I’ll never understand why he didn’t show up at my house for the second night of Passover. I have his message from the night before, telling me he was jealous that I was heading to the Billy Joel concert and that he couldn’t wait to see me the following evening. I never heard from him, and he never showed.
It’s getting harder for me to deal with my “tragedy;” the more time that passes just hurls more reminders at me. Tonight was going to be an Olive Garden night, but all I hear in my head is Rebecca, with her way of making everything funny, saying the name “Gardin de Oleeve.” She would get so excited when she could get her Chicken Scampi, and I just miss her so much. I miss them all so much.
My mother has been writing me one sentence emails lately. Today she wished me a good vacation and sent me all her love. She thinks that makes up for the ostracism, abandonment, humiliation, and not loving me. I was going to send her what I’ve posted below, but instead I just wrote, “Happy Passover.”
Mom,
My vacation begins on the 19th.
There is no therapist, medicine, partner, or salute to my strength that can take away my pain of not having my children in my life. Reminders are everywhere, from the Humira commercials to the Uncrustables in the supermarket to the children on the streets saying any version of my favorite word – Ma, Mama, Mom, or Mommy. Against your guidance, my entire identity was wrapped up in being a mom, and I did a darn good job at it (regardless of whatever fabrications have been told and altered to support this ostracism).
There is also no ersatz message of love from you that can make up for the fact that you break bread with my ex-husband, a man who sought and still seeks to destroy me. You made the choice you did, deciding to be a part of Lisa’s story. Sadly, the moment I came into this world began Lisa’s unhealthy fear that I would infringe on her value and her due, and we never really connected as siblings should. For that reason, I encouraged my children to be a team and to always stick together.
I’ve reached out to you over the past months and years because I love you and I wanted to believe that you loved me. I actually needed you to explain to me how your Sophie’s choice was so effortless. I miss all of my children so completely, and my love for them was always and still is unconditional. And, I’d give my eyeballs for one of them to write me an honest note like this and end it with, “I love you, Mommy.”
Wishing you a happy and enlightening Passover with your growing family.
A Martini Toast 