I often think of the word legacy, but not in the traditional way. Normally, one connects the word to something positive that’s bequeathed to you or bestowed upon you, making one’s life literally or figuratively richer or easier. It’s one of those words, like influential, that, on the surface, seems uplifting and benign. But, when delved into and scrutinized, the possibility of a negative implication crystallizes.

The trauma of the kids’ departure from my life has left me with a legacy of fear and distrust. Each day, I wonder who else will abandon me, and it’s such a suffocating and pathetic feeling. It’s also exhausting, and it not only controls my now, it also controls my future. After all, if my own children could reject me, why wouldn’t others?

I know I’m a good hang and that I offer laughter and light. I know that people enjoy me and appreciate how much I care about them and their families. A marvel to some and an inspiration to others, my strength is undeniable. So is my sadness …

How can I believe in tomorrow, when I barely get through today? How can I tell you all that I’m really not self-sufficient, that I need your hearts more and more, even if it’s just in the form of a daily emoji? Is there a way to express my fragility, without fearing that I’m being needy?

I went to dinner last night with a dear, dear friend. We’ve known each other for almost 3 decades, and nobody can hand me the truth or ask me the hard questions like she does. Articulate, direct, earnest, and brilliant, she sees right through me. She’ll call me out, pump me up, fill me in, propel me forward, pat my back, and set me straight. She doesn’t sugarcoat, and she doesn’t make false promises. I don’t think she thinks my kids are ever coming back to me.

Had I known that my kids would only be mine for such a short time, would I have made different decisions? Would I have left when I wanted to, and not succumbed to Jay’s threats? Would MY legacy be that “I came, I saw, and I conquered?” instead of “I came, I saw, and I cowered?”

Thank you all for the birthday love, treats, cards, dinners, and trips. I love you all.