My email address used to be mjmrzjaffe@aol.com. When we bought our first computer, lifetimes ago, complete with dial up modem, I created our email address. Of course, it would have our initials, as EVERYTHING to me was about the family. The kids were so young then, and they created adorable screen names, too. Zack was dragonballzack9, Rebecca was mishamooey (my nickname for her), and Marissa’s was Rissie123.

The account was under Jay’s name, since he paid for it. He paid for everything, as he reminded the kids and me so often. I had no money, as I didn’t work, and what we had was marital (or so I thought). Now I’ll be clear and tell you that I am awful with money and I spend it like I’m going to the electric chair. Nothing has changed on that front.

That email address contained about 15 years of love. There were hundreds of letters from the kids from the time they were small, spanning to when they were young adults in college. Words of laughter and love and gratitude and adoration, I should have printed every one of them. But, true to my “perfect storm,” once the divorce was underway and the plan for this longshot of a pony was clearly to be put down, part of the process was to take away that email address and all of its contents. I called AOL, but they said that the account wasn’t created in my name those 15+ years back, and thus, I no longer had access to it.

I did have a few notes on my work email, but nothing major. And, recently, I plugged in my very old MacBook. I can’t do much on it, but I can access Microsoft Word to read. The dinosaur doesn’t connect to anything, but I do have some files to peruse. Some of the kids’ college and grad school application essays are here, along with some essays I wrote about life and several letters I wrote as the divorce process was beginning. I’ll begin by sharing this one, as it’s important for me to show who I am so that maybe, just maybe, this tapestry of terror that Jay and my sister wove for me can begin to unravel.

My Dearest Jay,

I’ve been listening to that song, John Denver’s Seasons of the Heart, over and over, and I think it’s a true depiction of our story.  Our story was such a good one, especially 3 particular chapters, and I know that we will both make sure that both sides of the book jacket stay strong and in tact to weather the storm ahead and protect the contents of those 3 very special chapters.

I know you have been waiting for me to “file the damn papers already,” and in my quest to figure out why you wanted me to do it so desperately, I thought that you might go ahead and do it.   I know that you went to see Gary Skoloff (I didn’t realize you needed the biggest gun in the East, but maybe there is more to this than I know), and the reason that I know this is because I will be using Betsy Bresnick at that same firm.  She is a childhood friend of Jackie’s, and she gave me a free consultation.

Speaking of Betsy, her retainer is $10,000.  You know how this stuff works better than I do, but if we work things out quickly, we can get some of that back.  As you know, I do not have that kind of money, and it would be unfair for me to ask my mother for it when you will be using our money for your person’s retainer.  While we are far from millionaires, I know that you make a decent draw at the new firm, and the car and expense perks are generous.  I also know that you have many bank accounts from which you pull, deposit, and transfer money, so I’m sure you’ll be able to finance the retainer that I need to give.  After that, I know it is a 50/50 spit of everything, with many years of documents, bills, and bank accounts needing to be presented.

If you haven’t figured this out yet, I am not planning on being difficult here.  I am fully aware that a third of the dissolution of our marriage is my doing, a third is your doing, and another third are the other issues (family, people, money, and illnesses) that interfered along the way.  Maybe we were too young when we started our story, but man, those 3 chapters made everything worth it, didn’t they?

Nothing will EVER change the fact that I will ALWAYS love you.  “It’s just some things that mean so much, and we just don’t feel the same.”

Marla

Folks, keep reading this blog. Keep sharing it. Keep commenting on it.

Much love,

Marla