I’m not holding back anymore. I just can’t. Reading through all of these letters now, with clear eyes, just shows me how frightened I was at what Jay was capable of and what he was actually doing to me. Setting me up to lose my grown children (though plans began when they were much younger), corralling my sister in the process (which was not difficult), and banking on my weakness and the reality that my mother wouldn’t have my back, showed the precise level of his malignity. Temple Beth Shalom and most of Livingston not only bought his venom hook, line, and sinker, but they couldn’t wait to see or hear about the next bite that the snake would take out of me. My agony was their entertainment.

Let me be clear when I say that I was not a good wife. As an explanation and not an excuse, I only wanted to be loved, and he just couldn’t love me. My spirit was too much for him, so he had to kill it. Again, I will elaborate further if anybody asks, including my grandchildren. Days of secrets are over.

Though I was not a good wife, I did support his career and help him advance quickly in his law career. He was an exemplary lawyer and employee, working round the clock to get the job done. Though not the “schmooze on the golf course type,” he was always the one “chained to the desk,” as the partners used to say.

I have no problem giving a compliment to somebody who has destroyed me. Two things can be true at the same time, and Jay, albeit a monster, was/is a good lawyer. I’ve also said that he was a good father, though I don’t know if a good father would encourage (actually embolden) his children to sever ties with their mother.

On the last Mother’s Day before the divorce officially started, Jay gave me a card that said, “You’re a wonderful mother and make great children.” I’ll post a picture of that card in one of my blogs, along with the cards from the 3 who matter most. How we went from praise to torture in a couple of months just reinforces my belief that the bomb was prepared and primed, just waiting for the go-ahead to pull the lynchpin.

Now, here comes the letter from my first lawyer to one of Howard Felcher’s associates, and it’s important to share. I tell my students that being vulnerable is a strength, but it’s a character trait that I’ve only recently acquired. It doesn’t make somebody weak; in fact, it is empowering.

Please be advised that Ms. Jaffe intends to borrow the money to pay the $25,500 credit card debt, just as she borrowed $2,000 last month to pay for emergent dental care. She is endeavoring to borrow these funds from friends due to Mr. Jaffe’s ultimatum that he would otherwise institute criminal proceedings against her for something that he has been aware of for approximately six years, which he conveniently has decided to pursue during the divorce. To clarify the record, the credit card bills have been sent to the marital residence, not a post office box.

Your statement that Ms. Jaffe has disposable funds available to her to pay the debt is preposterous. Ms. Jaffe’s monthly expenses exceed her approximate $3,600 net income, which is why she had trouble paying the credit card bill. Moreover, in the month of February she was forced to miss a paycheck when she had unexcused time off from work to stay with Marissa during her most recent hospitalization. The credit card debt was incurred to pay marital bills due to Mr. Jaffe’s withholding of support from Ms. Jaffe during the marriage. The parties’ Case Information Statements reflect Mr. Jaffe in control of all of the marital savings available to pay this obligation.

The positions taken by Mr. Jaffe and his threats of criminal prosecution make it clear that he is not interested in reaching a fair and amicable resolution of this matter. He has also ignored my request for an additional retainer to hire a forensic accountant (which is only further stalling the case from moving toward conclusion). Therefore, I will file an application with the Court seeking the payment of these retainers. I will also seek counsel fees related to the motion that is necessitated by Mr. Jaffe’s refusal to cooperate.

It is most unfortunate that Mr. Jaffe s insisting on proceeding in this manner.

So much to unpack here, including the emergent dental care, but that can wait for now. This next line, however, can’t wait.

For the two in Livingston, my real sisters, who stayed, who loved, who gave me Breath and Oxygen and yes, a retainer when Jay did in fact press criminal charges against me (which were dropped the second the judge disgustedly said the charges out loud), I love you and I am vertical because of you. Thank you.